ÕÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸ ³ Distributed by USS Enterprise [713/466-0778] 1:106/1701 Jersey Village, TX ³ ³ Downloaded from XybyX - Roswell, Georgia - (404) 594-1315 ³ ³ FidoNet 1:133/114 - Primary TFDN Node - EggNet 99:9000/14 ³ ³ Home of the International Star Trek Echomail Conference ³ ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ; Title(s): Star Trek VIII The Voyage Home: Episode 3 Author(s): David J. Young ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ..Somewhere out in the depths of space...on BBC2 probably...after Buck Rogers was finished.... ___-___ o==o======= . . . . . ;-) =========== ||// \ \_|//__ #_______/ "Sensors indicate smiley face up ahead captain..." "...Take immediate evasive action Sulu...and arm the photon torpedoes" "It looks friendly enough though captain" "Precisely..." Star Trek VIII, "The Voyage Home" --------------------------------- Episode 3 --------- Captain's Log, Stardate Seven, Fifty-Nine point Nine Five --------------------------------------------------------- I have been taken prisoner, and now stand in some kind of court-room, about to go on trial for some jumped up charge...of which I might add I'm totally innocent. I just hope Scotty can work another miracle and get me out of here before things go too far......which reminds me... [Flicking open his communicator...to the accompaniment of the usual "mating song of the lesser black backed marsh warbler" sound] Jim: "Kirk to Enterprise....come in Scotty..." Scotty: "Aye captain?" Jim: "Scotty....I'm in a 'wee' bit of trouble as you might say....Let's save a lot of time and hassle...just beam me back to the ship please" Scotty: "Right...I've got a fix on your communicator....beaming up now" Jim: [Shouting to the occupants of the rapidly filling court room] "Bye folks.. sorry I couldn't stay for the trial..." [To his horror ...and extreme embarrassment, instead of dematerialising himself, a large potted plant standing four feet away begins to shimmer and fade away..] Jim: "Kirk to Enterprise!!!...SCOTTY!!..Just what the HELL do you think you're doing!!" Scotty: "....Captain...the transporter unit seems to have malfunctioned.." Jim: "So I gathered..." Scotty: "The crash must've shaken up the transporter beam targetting circuitry!!....." Jim: "Look...if I move four feet to the left to the spot where the plant was, and you leave the settings as they were then that should work shouldn't it?" Scotty: "Aye...that'll work....ok..move over now.....energising.." [Across on the far side of the courtroom a burly looking dwarf with a big axe shimmers and fades away........then re-materialises quickly...with a bemused look on his face] Scotty: "....Captain...this ISN'T working is it?" Jim: "You're right Scotty....get round here with some men and some big phasers and break me out pretty damn quick." Scotty: "....on my way sir" [The court room was full of locals now....hoping to see some justice dealt out to this yellow jerseyed maniac who stood nervously before them... In filed the council for the prosecution........but the seats allocated for the defence lawyers remained empty since Jim hadn't had any change in his pocket to make any phonecalls.........well..ok..he DID ...but no-one wanted to take up his case since a) It was hopeless anyway b) They'd been bribed quite generously by a tall white bearded old man with a pointy hat.] Jim: [Shouting out loud again] "I'D JUST LIKE TO STATE AT THIS POINT THAT I AM TOTALLY AND UTTERLY INNOCENT." [The court went momentarily quiet.....(possibly while its occupants rummaged in their bags for the rotting vegetables they had brought along)....Then the first of a hail of tomatoes and bits of turnip rained down on Jim amidst angry shouts and the copious blowing or raspberries] Clerk: "Order!..Order!...Will the court please come to order..." [In strode the judge...and took up his position at the head of the court.. ....Behind the dark shades and the ridiculous wig, Jim couldn't help thinking there was something vaguely familiar about him...] Judge: "Right Clerk...what's today's business?" Clerk: "Ahem...The Case Of Captain James Tiberius Kirk, on a charge of wilfully using warp drive in planetary atmosphere without due regard to the health consequences for the inhabitants of the said planet.i.e.This one" [A titter from the jury at Jim's middle name was quickly stifled by a stern glance from the Judge, who was clearly in no mood for frivolities] [Suddenly though, there was a thump and small white ball landed at Jim's feet....Never having been well known for forking out hard cash to buy balls of his own at the Enterprise's well equipped golf shop, Jim just couldn't pass up the chance of picking up a free ball....So he glanced round to check that no one was looking and pocketed the ball hurriedly] [Just then, two strange characters seemed to just walk through the wall of the court room....One wore a Hawaian shirt...and we'll call him Bob...because that was his name.....and the other trudged along behind him carrying a a huge..and very heavy looking golf bag..] Bob: "You sure it went this way...??" Caddy: "Yup....it was a pretty wayward tee shot I must say...Two more space-time dimensions to the right and you'd have been out of bounds." Bob: "...I know....it's about time I saw the pro. about correcting that vicious slice of mine.......Now where IS that ball..." [Jim sat tight....determined not to own up.....and he thought he'd get away with it too, until a host of fingers from the jury pointed accusingly in his direction] Bob: "Three wood please, caddy..." [Jim was about to hand over the ball when the club came down on his head with some force and he blacked out for a time...] Bob: "Hmmm...not a bad lie.....but what does the rule book say about playing out of court-rooms?" Caddy: [Leafing through his rule book] "..carrots...courgettes...ah!.. court-rooms....yes...Normally a penalty of one stroke would have to be added on...but wait...there's a special clause here: 'Any player hitting the defendent is entitled to a free drop within 2 clublengths of the point of impact'" Bob: "Ha!...what a piece of luck! ....Right...how far to the hole, caddy?" Caddy: "Five space-time dimensions to the left, and approximately 3 light years in vector magnitude" Bob: "Five iron?" Caddy: "Sounds about right to me..." [They play on and saunter off after the ball, again seemingly walking unhindered through the solid wall of the courtroom] Judge: [His mouth hanging open, and obviously incredulous at what he has just seen] "...Personally I think he under-clubbed that one..." Jim: [getting shakily to his feet, and nodding vigorously] "...I'd have played a four iron myself..." Clerk: "With all due respect m'lud I think we ought to start the trial..." Judge: "Certainly...the court is now in session....any questions from either side before we start? No?.....right ok...court adjourned for tea. Case will resume in fifteen minutes....thank you." [Hardly anyone notices the dull thud behind them as they file out of the courtroom.....] *****YES!!! MORE VAX TREK SOON.....***** Will Jim's fainting spell mean that he misses out on tea and chocolate biscuits? Will Scotty turn up with the heavy artillery in time to get Jim out of his predicament? Was even a four iron not quite enough? All these questions and more will be answered in next week's episode of **VAX Trek: The Voyage Home** ****************************************************************************** Credits: Storyline: David 'Getting Desparate' Young Sandwiches designed by: GEC Tactical Weapons Systems Ltd. Fight Arranger: Ronald Reagan Computer System Kindly Run By: Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps. And thanks especially to our wonderful system security manager who has kindly overlooked this particular breach. Golf Consultant: Curtis 'Pretty Damn' Wierd. Special Thanks to: The Ops,CNBP01,CRAA15,CLIP07 CBAR28, and many others for their undying support for the author through his most troubled times, and for chipping in to pay for the psychiatric help. Anyone requiring the details of the sport of Interdimensional Golf should send for our fact-sheet, by writing to: Like Wow-Man, Interdimensional Golf, Gimme The LowDown, 15 North Underpant Avenue, Chiswick, LONDON. And enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope.