ÕÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸ ³ Distributed by USS Enterprise [713/466-0778] 1:106/1701 Jersey Village, TX ³ ³ Downloaded from XybyX - Roswell, Georgia - (404) 594-1315 ³ ³ FidoNet 1:133/114 - Primary TFDN Node - EggNet 99:9000/14 ³ ³ Home of the International Star Trek Echomail Conference ³ ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ; Title(s): Star Trek: The Perplexed Generation Author(s): Timothy J. Murphy ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Tim Murphy is embarassed to present: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- STAR TREK: THE PERPLEXED GENERATION ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The scene opens on the bridge, everyone is busily efficient doing arcane things to control panels. There is an innocuous crewman in a red uniform; expertly incorporated into the front of his tunic is a huge bulls- eye and a crudely-lettered cardboard sign saying "Kill Me." hangs from his neck. PICARD: Captain's log, stardate, um, now just when is all this supposed to be going on? [He knits his brow with fierce, proud contemplation] DATA: According to FASA, Mr. Scott's Guide, the Writer's Guide, your mother or the enigmatic Casio device we beamed aboard from deep space that plays "Fur Elise?" PICARD: [exasperated, the kind of look you get when your new puppy, whose nose you have just pushed into his 237th dump on the living room carpet, makes it 238] Thank you, Mr. Data. Captain's log, stardate today. We are en route to the Scrotaran Nebula, there to investigate a time-space rift reported by a conveniently-situated time-space rift detector buoy. Initial sensor scans of the area reveal no all-power- full beings, never-before-encountered phenomena, or coherent scripts. RIKER: [wide-eyed glee, he assumes a don't-fuck-with-me stance, cocking his head like your cat does watching the water run down your toilet after you flush] Gee! Worf enters the bridge from the left turbolift, covered with a sheen of sweat. It's obvious he's been involved in strenuous exercise, most likely involving repressed Klingon urges and cub scouts. TROI: [sniffing] I sense olfactory-rupturing BO. RIKER: [giggles] Golly! WESLEY: Captain Picard, every morning for the past 2 weeks when I re- covered consciousness after Lt. Worf tucked me in I've been working on a device that converts BO juice into energy we can feed directly into-- WORF: [smiling dangerously] I'd be happy to hear all about it tonight. DATA: Interesting. I have been researching such a device that uses snot rather than--- PICARD: That will be enough, gentlemen. Lt. Worf, why DO you smell like diseased turnips? WORF: It's personal, sir. [favors Wesley with another malicious grin, showing abnormally-developed incisors. He starts convulsively clutching a pillow he carries in his left hand; it's shredded in many places and the patches of dried blood are unmistakable] PICARD: Nevertheless, we're waiting. WORF: I was in the Holodeck, limbering up my knees for this shift. PICARD: [demonstrating his insight into Worf's character] And? WORF: Pistol-whipping Ruth Gordon with a cinder block. TROI: [eyeing Worf appraisingly] I sense... desires to hang around the Holodeck. [winks, pulls lock of hair into mouth suggestively] RIKER: [changes to an heroic, damn-my-safety stance] Wowsers! LAFORGE: [signalling from engineering] Uh, captain? PICARD: What is it, Mr. LaForge? Do you smell Lt. Worf too? LAFORGE: Smell him? I can see the damage his BO is doing to the hull from down here. But that's not it. We're about to shake around a lot and Wesley's going to fall over his console and we'll all see the National Geographic he's been peeking at. The one with the topless aborigines of Old Earth. PICARD: Make it so. WESLEY: Geordi, you jerkface! I-- Wesley is abruptly cut off as the entire ship shifts violently. Klaxons blare into life. Wesley flies over his console and slams his face into the viewscreen in slow motion, with several close-up repeats. Worf growls and gnaws the corner off his pillow. Riker blazes with indomitable will and sucks his thumb. PICARD: [anxious, sniffing delicately in Worf's direction] Mr. Data, what was that? Is this violent shift of my ship related to the space- time rift we were sent to investigate? DATA: Accessing. [pause] Fucking A right. Everyone's attention is momentarily diverted by Wesley, who is picking himself off the deck. In his hand is a National Geographic; on the cover is a topless tribeswoman carrying a dead aardvark. He tries desper- ately to stuff this in a pocket somewhere, but his uniform doesn't have any. He looks whipped. His nose is also bleeding. PICARD: Picard to Sickbay. PULASKI: [impatient] What are you bothering me with now? PICARD: We have an injury on the bridge. Lt.-- PULASKI: [gleefully expectant] Lt. Data? Is that it? Is it dead? Is it a charred mound of lubricating fluids and gears? Did it suffer? [The entire bridge can hear her clapping her hands and jumping up and down.] DATA: Interesting. What a bitch on wheels. PICARD: [dryly] No, Dr. Pulaski, Ensign Crusher has a bloody nose. PULASKI: [disappointed] Oh. [pause] I'll get my clamps. Sickbay out. DATA: Captain, sensors detect another vessel closing on our position at warp velocities. PICARD: Raise deflector shields! Batten down the hatches! [He taps his emblem] Unknown ship, please identify. What are your intentions? [gets no response] I repeat, identify yourself or despite our enlightened morality and advancement away from the primitive urges which once dominated human behaviour we'll hurt you bad. A voice comes in, slightly distorted, over the Bridge's Bose speaker system. It is the voice of Captain James T. Kirk. ---------------F A D E--------------- On the main viewscreen of Picard's Enterprise, we see the old Enterprise coming up. It looks cheesy. In some places the paint has flecked off. All eyes on the bridge widen in recognition. Wesley screams in pain as Dr. Pulaski, just arrived on the bridge, snaps a clamp over his still- bleeding nose. Worf grins again. KIRK: [as his image replaces the old Enterprise on the viewscreen, raises hands and opens eyes wide in sincere Kirkian way] We mean you no harm. PULASKI: [as she first sees Kirk's image, gets glassy-eyed and...weird] I am the Companion. [she suddenly snaps out of it and belches] KIRK: [looks at Pulaski, does a double take, then just shrugs] PICARD: [sotto voce to Data] Mr. Data, could this ship's appearance in our time be related to the time-space rift? DATA: Given the current trend in plot idea ripoffs, highly likely Captain. PICARD: Captain Kirk, all here are well aware of your exploits; indeed, some of your conquests are required nighttime reading for sexually frustrated cadets. Some of your log entries have even made it into Forum. DATA: Accessing. [pause] Captain's log, Stardate 2174.6. Roughly, I threw the Elysian ambassador to the bed. She arched her back expectantly. I showed her my warp nacel-- TROI: [blowing kisses at the viewscreen] I sense... a dumped Klingon. PICARD: [screaming] Mr. Data! Enough! Captain, it is an honor to meet you in person. But I must ask you: what is the reason for your jump to this time? In an old ship like that it must have been reeaaalllyyy dangerous. [Picard draws out the "really", smirking at Riker. Riker drools back.] KIRK: Excuse me? [behind Kirk, Scotty flips Picard the old El Birdo and starts cursing non-stop in Gaelic]. Sir, my ship is the most dec- orated in the Fleet. PICARD: Was. KIRK: IS! PICARD: WAS! KIRK: IS!!! PICARD: WAS!!!! WASWASWASWASWASWASWAS!!!!! KIRK: [has hands over ears, eyes closed, screaming over Picard's voice] NEENER NEENER NEENER!!! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!! SPOCK: [placing a restraining arm on Kirk, who is out of his seat and beet red from screaming at Picard] Captain, an emotional response will not help the situation. The logical action is to explain to Captain Picard our mission. He will not fail to see it is justified and vital. KIRK: [regaining composure, notices Troi's interest. Grins his cute, boyish grin at her. She licks her lips. Spock sighs, whacks Kirk on the back of the head.] Captain Picard, our ship received an immensely power- ful transmission which we determined arrived from the future. It was a plea from a being identifying itself as The Viewer to save it from tedious, granola plots and [he smirks] wimpy characters. We used the slingshot effect with our engines on Full Emergency Warp Reverse Thrust and now we're here to start kicking some Klingon ass and re- vive those ratings! WORF: Captain, respectfully request permission to beam over with a security team to rip out his eyes and skull-fuck him to death. PICARD: [puzzled] Kick some Klingon ass? DATA: Kick some ass. Bust some tail. Waste the mofos. Smack upside the head. Rectally-- PICARD: Enough, Mr. Data. [He's getting annoyed, walks over to Data's station and kicks him in the side] RIKER: [sits down, puts chin in hand, striking a reflective pose] Holy jumpin' beezers! PICARD: Captain Kirk, I'm unsure of exactly what you expect to achieve, but this so-called mission of yours can't be justified by any means, and it's stupid as well. SPOCK: [mumbles behind Kirk] Dipshit. PICARD: However, given the historic nature of this meeting and your ship, it would be most pleasing if you maneuvered within beaming distance to come aboard and enjoy our hospitality. How long do you think that pile will take to get here? SCOTTY: [shoving Kirk and Spock aside, he lunges at the viewscreen and moons Picard] TROI: Mmmmmmm... KIRK: Listen, we'll be there in a moment. And knock it off with my ship. Kirk out. PICARD: [to Wesley, whose nose is blue and swelling] Let's see if this Galaxy-class ship can suck his doors off. Mr. LaForge! LAFORGE: [from engineering] I can still detect his BO, captain. PICARD: No no no. What power is our warp speed raised to this week? LAFORGE: It's still to the fifth power, sir. Unless you're in a hurry...? PICARD: No, that will be fine. Get ready, Ensign Crusher. WESLEY: [he's having trouble breathing] Aye aye, babtain. TOS Enterprise begins moving towards TNG Enterprise, just moving, no implosion, no neat effects, nothing. Everyone on TNG Enterprise bridge snickers. Just as TOS Enterprise is coming within distance, we see the familiar glow of TNG Enterprise's warp nacelles. Just as TOS Enterprise pulls behind, TNG Enterprise peels out with big implosion, doppler-shifted stars, etc. It's now the same distance away as when they first made contact. Cut to TOS bridge. Everyone's mouths are hanging open. Kirk is pissed. KIRK: Just what the hell is this? SPOCK: Apparently Captain, the technology in this time allows them to control far larger special effects budgets than our equipment is capable of. MCCOY: [just entered bridge] Spock, do Vulcans always end their sentences with prepositions? SPOCK: Dr. McCoy, it is perhaps inevitable that my long exposure to humans has made me stupid. Until you rewrite War & Peace, eat me. CHEKOV: [grinning] You know, the Russians inwented English. KIRK: Shut up, Mr. Chekov. CHEKOV: Aye aye, kiptin, shutting up now. [he slumps over as McCoy nails him with a triple dose of neural paralyzer] KIRK: Mr. Sulu, lay in an intercept course with that ship again and exe- cute! SULU: [playing with fencing foil, he snaps to attention at Kirk's order, accidentally causing the foil to fly across the bridge and imbed itself in a red-uniformed crewman's forehead. He drops like a stone] Oops. There goes the first one. Course layed in, sir. MCCOY: [looking at dead redshirt, he rubs his hands in anticipation, takes a deep breath and...] He's dead, Jim. KIRK: [drily] No shit. Now cut that out. Cut to TNG Enterprise's bridge. PICARD: Hee hee hee, whoop, ha ha! RIKER: Whee! PICARD: Picard to Kirk. [his lip starts to tremble] What's taking you? [falls to the deck] Muah ha ha ha ha woooo urf urf urf urf! Picard out. [to everyone] Ok, whoever wants to do that again, raise their hand. [All hands go up] Here we go! TOS Enterprise pulls up again. This time Picard lets him get really close, then pours it on. He moves out so fast that TOS Enterprise spins around like a top. It looks sad. DATA: Interesting. He ate our dust. Let's go for pink slips next time. TROI: Yippee! WORF: Yeahyeahyeahyeah! [he makes a high five with the innocuous redshirt, notices the cardboard sign, and starts choking him] PICARD: Not now, Lt. Worf. He gets it later. [Worf backs off, gives him a parting shot in the back of the head] DATA: Captain, would it not be a good idea to go to the Holodeck now and create a subplot? PULASKI: Shut up you clanking Erector Set wet dream! We're having enough fun now! Besides, only living things get a vote! And right now I vote we do it again! [everyone raises their hands except Data, who looks at Pulaski with a widening, malicious grin] Cut to TOS bridge. KIRK: GODDAMMIT, THAT DOES IT! SCOTTY, I'LL NEED EMERGENCY WARP SPEED IN 5 SECONDS! SCOTTY: [hunched over his console, flicking lots of buttons] Aye, captain, but I dinna ken how fast ye want to go! KIRK: We'll need [dramatic pause] Warp As-Fast-As-It-Takes. SCOTTY: You canna mean it! SPOCK: Jim, this is big time. We've only gone that fast in 15 episodes. MCCOY: You're taking a big risk, Jim. UHURA: Hailing frequencies open. CHEKOV: KIRK: We have no choice. Hit it, Mr. Sulu! TOS Enterprise screams toward TNG Enterprise. TNG Enterprise moves out impressively, but no matter what direction it tries to dodge, TOS Enter- prise is wating for it. TNG Enterprise zigzags faster and faster but TOS Enterprise stays ahead of it. Finally, it's clear that there's no way for TNG Enterprise to fake out TOS Enterprise, and TOS Enterprise moves well within beaming distance. Cut to TNG Bridge. Everyone looks amazed. PICARD: [banging head on arm of chair] WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? RIKER: [striking a pose of incorruptible dominance] Jeepers! DATA: It is a good thing we did not go for pink slips. WESLEY: Babtain, by dose hurps. [a good deal of his head looks gangrenous] DATA: Captain, it appears they possess lost plot technology which is no longer available to us. Bummer. PICARD: [voice at hysterical pitch] GREAT! JUST GREAT! WHAT ELSE COULD GO WRONG?! Q: Hi guys. WORF: Oh, shit. RIKER: Gleep! PICARD: THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION! KIRK: [back on viewscreen, looking smug] Ready to beam aboard, lard-ass. Q: Who's he? TROI: A hunk. [winks] REDSHIRT: [nervously to Picard] Sir, about this bull's eye... Q: [notices redshirt, casually gestures and causes his head to erupt into a mushroom cloud. Everyone on the bridge gets blown out of their seats except Wesley, whose nose clamp catches on the end of his console. His screams almost drown out the explosion] Number two and counting. PICARD: What? EVERYONE: Never mind. PICARD: Look, Kirk, you and your party beam aboard. Dr. Pulaski, please deflate Ensign Crusher's head. Deanna, stop writhing. Mr. Data-- Q: Hold it. I'm the omnipotent being around here and I give the orders. I think I'll start by challenging Mr. Spock to a game of hide and seek with the fate of man-- EVERYONE: PERSON!!! Q: [glaring] With the fate of personkind in the balance. Then I'll deal with all of you. [he minces to the center of the bridge, spins on his axis and, drawing his cape around him, disappears in a cloud of elephant methane] LAFORGE: Boy, the Q is really obnoxious. That cloud looks as bad as Worf's BO. Q: [disembodied voice] I heard that! [LaForge's screams can be heard from engineering] By the way, I've arranged things so you can watch what goes on. [viewscreen blips to life, revealing TOS Enterprise's bridge] PICARD: GEORDI! WHAT HAPPENED?! LAFORGE: [brokenly] He changed my visor into a pair of Ray Bans. Cut to TOS bridge. Q pops in, expecting everyone to be suitably cowed. Kirk yawns, Scotty picks his nose. Q is nonplussed. Q: Hi guys. Ready to die? SULU: So, captain how about those 3 credits you owe me? Q: I mean it, horrible deaths that will reinforce the point of your inferiority compared to me. SPOCK: Captain, I believe I shall visit Dr. McCoy now about my hives. Q: I'M NOT KIDDING! YOU'LL ALL SEE WHAT FLYPOOP YOU ARE WHEN STACKED UP AGAINST MY PAN-DIMENSIONAL HEAVINESS! KIRK: Listen mister, you're no great surprise to us. We had the Organians to deal with, and at least they knew how to make an entrance. Go peddle your papers. Q: [infuriated, cracks his knuckles and shrugs, readies himself] Organians shmanians. I'm going to rupture your component atoms one by one, and I'm not even gonna bother to invent a reas-- His tirade is rudely cut off by the spectacular entrance of a pulsing ball of light. Spock's eyebrows crawl up his forehead as he realizes what has just arrived. Q tries to look bored, almost pulls it off. Out of the globe, 3 figures slowly form, their features becoming more distinct with each passing second. Finally, they step forward. It's Moe, Larry, and Curly. MOE: Hellooooooooo... LARRY: Helloooooooooooo... CURLY: Hellooooooooooooooo... MLC: Hello! CURLY: We are the Organians. We got tired of wearing those smelly animal skins, so we have adopted these new forms. Nyuk nyuk nyuk whoowhoo whoowhoo!!!! MOE: Hey, I do the introducin' around here! [He pokes the Curly being in the eyes. His face, with all its grimacing and mugging appears to have the consistency of Playdoh just before it melts] Like I was sayin, we're the Organians and--[his attention is diverted by the Curly being, who is now sniffing the armpits of the dead redshirt The Larry being is making eyes at Uhura. The Moe being grabs both their noses and flips them over the railing. Curly's legs go flying in the air and Larry's head gets wedged in an equipment access panel. Uhura giggles.] C'mon you guys, we got a job to do. Q: Is this a joke? KIRK: [embarassed] They must have been intercepting TV broadcasts again. Q: Well, I'll just dispose of these 3 idiots and then without further ado I'll wipe out your grubby species. MOE: Oh, so we're idiots, huh? [walking up to the Q, he passes his hand in front of the Q's face, back & forth, up & down, faster and faster. When the Q is completely confused, Moe belts him hard on the bridge of his nose. The Q's hands fly up to hold his abused proboscis, and Curly takes the opportunity to launch himself acroos the bridge at Q. He does a somersault in mid-air, just like in the ninja movies, and comes down with both his feet on the Q's left foot. Q screams and starts hopping around the bridge, tripping over Chekov's still-inert form, which has slumped to the floor. As he falls, Larry, with glow- ing circuits tangled in his hair from the access panel, dives behind the Q's legs, causing his head to smack the deck with a sound like a wet sponge being thrown flat-on onto a concrete slab] Q: THAB'S ID! [still hopping] ORBANIANS OR DO ORBANIANS, YOUB GUYBS AREB DEABD MEABT!!! Cut to TNG Bridge. Everyone has been watching the proceedings. There is a big puddle under Worf where he wet himself laughing. RIKER: Jeez Louise! DATA: Interesting. The Q now sounds like Weird Harold. PULASKI: Who, you bubble-headed booby? [Data says nothing, just grins that shit-eating grin at her again] I hate your inorganic guts! PICARD: SHHHH! [gesturing at the viewscreen] This is getting good. [walks over to food synthesizer, punches up a bag of popcorn, plops him- self on the floor, and munches contentedly] WORF: Don't you think we sould do something, sir? PICARD: Do? What's to do? They're going to fry. If you want to do something, get us the hell out of here. Me, I'm enjoying this yummy popcorn. WORF: I didn't mean about the Q, sir. You're sitting in my peepee. PICARD: [hastily jumping up, he drags his butt across the wall on his way back to his seat to dry it off] Yes, well, Picard to Kirk. KIRK: Kirk here. PICARD: Do you intend to grace us with your presence anytime soon? KIRK: [on viewscreen. behind him, the Q has manifested 3 coconut cream pies which he slams into the faces of the 3 Organians. Kirk sees this over his shoulder] Now might be a good time. PICARD: Transporter room, energize. Kirk and the entire bridge crew including the dead redshirt dematerialize. The Organians are bashing Q in the ass with an antimatter 2 by 4. They take no notice of the departure. Cut to TNG Bridge. TOS Enter- prise crew are looking around with obvious envy. Troi is trying to run her hands up Kirk's thigh. He's not putting up a fight. Spock tries to mindmeld with Data, who knees him in the crotch. Picard rises to meet Kirk, trips over transported redshirt. PICARD: Lt. Worf, stack that with the other one. Captain Kirk, it is an honor. KIRK: [arm around Troi] Um, right, great honor. My first officer is now acting captain. [he takes off into Picard's office with Troi] RIKER: Yoicks! WESLEY: [his nose has been amputated by Dr. Pulaski amidst all the action. His voice now sounds like it's produced by covering a comb with wax paper and blowing over it] Gee, Mr. Spock, I've read all about you in Starfleet records. You're swell. SPOCK: [curling a disdainful eyebrow] Thank you, ensign. And it's Lt. Commander to you. WESLEY: [takes no notice of this correction in his enthusiasm] And wow, you did all sorts of neat things with warp technology! Could you show me how you did all those neat things? SPOCK: [his Vulcan reserve is cracking] There are more pressing matters to attend to, Ensign. WESLEY: Aw, c'mon Mr. Spock, just for a little while. I'll even show you how I override the Holodeck's failsafes so it'll kill people! SPOCK: [he dexterously pounces on Wesley and applies the Vulcan death grip. Worf looks on appreciatively. Wesley's now-familiar shrieks once more fill the air] SCOTTY: [to anxious Picard] Dinna worry yeself, he's only havin' a bit o' fun wi' the lad. There isna such a thing as the Vulcan death gri-- [he's interrupted as Wesley's head cracks open] MCCOY: Spock, I thought you said there wasn't a Vulcan death grip. You lied! SPOCK: I did not lie, doctor, I merely fractured the truth. And Wesley's skull. Heehee. MCCOY: [hunched over Wesley] He's dead, Jim. SULU: CUT IT OUT!! HE'S NOT EVEN HERE!!! [on cue, Kirk and Troi emerge from Picard's office, smoking cigarettes] PICARD: [notices something happening on the viewscreen. It still shows TOS bridge, which is covered in coconut cream and has a few blast holes in the hull from the antimatter 2 by 4's. Q and the Organians have reverted to their energy forms, and there is a rising whine as they build up their power levels for one last rumble with each other] People, [gestures at viewscreen] I think our problem has just gotten worse. KIRK: Spock, what would be the effects of an instantaneous release of all that energy? DATA: I know! I know! SPOCK: [to Data] Shut up, he picked me. Captain, if I understood your question correctly, the answer would be: we're up shit's creek without a canoe. WORF: Don't you mean a paddle, scalpel-ears? SPOCK: No, worse than that. RIKER: Ooo, crumbs! PICARD: I vote we self-destruct. We'll kill ourselves before they do, upholding our tradition of causing the same horrible fate various entities have held in store for us, but being first! [he glows with pride. Everyone looks at him the same way you look at a street preacher who claims he can cure venereal warts by a laying on of hands. No one takes him seriously] The whine rises to a deafening pitch, and on the viewscreen the Q and the Organians are about to waste each other. Just as it seems the end has arrived, the Q and Organians pop back into their physical forms. They look surprised and peeved. They're even more surprised and peeved when they are popped onto TNG Bridge wearing silk evening gowns and fuscia pumps, against their will. Kirk eyes Q. Troi looks jealous. Q: [trying to kick off pumps. They won't come off. Under the gown we see he has extremely hairy legs] I hate this dimension. CURLY: [he's whipping around in a circle on the ground, laying on his left arm. Some foam is visible at the corners of his mouth] WHOO WHOO WHOO WHOO WHOO!!!!! MOE: [looks like he sucked on a lemon and then had all the moisture sucked out of his lips] Hey, what's goin' on here?! LARRY: [smashing head against wall, pulling out double handfuls of stringy hair] OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! OO OOO OOOOOOOO!!!! DATA: Captain, shall I have the computer provide a laugh track? PICARD: That won't be necessary, Mr. Data. Besides, you don't understand humor. DATA: Your mother french kisses dogs in the mouth. Was that not an appropriately humorous response? PICARD: [walks over food synth station, punches up a cast iron frying pan, walks over to Data's station again, and bashes him in the head with it. The impact causes a pleasant ring. Uhura tries to harmonize.] Suddenly the Q and Organians take note of each other, and lunge to the attack once more. In mid leap, they get this surprised look on their faces, the same way you look when you realize that glass of Gatorade you just chugged after a long, hot run was actually a urine sample from someone with hepatitis. They drop to the floor, holding their crotches and yodeling. A deep, mellowed-out voice fills the Bridge. ROD: I AM THE ROD, THE ALL-MELLOW. I DWELL IN A DIMENSION WHICH INTERSECTS ALL POINTS OF CALIFORNIA SIMULTANEOUSLY. I PERCEIVE MANKIND'S DESTINY AS A PEACEFUL, WIMPY, INDECISIVE ONE, AND AS SUCH CANNOT PERMIT ANY ACTION TO BE TAKEN WHICH WILL LEAD TO A CONCLUSIVE PLOT. TOWARDS THIS END I HAVE RAISED THE SURFACE TEMPERATURE OF THE Q'S AND THE ORGANIAN'S PENISES TO 300 DEGREES CENTIGRADE TO PREVENT FURTHER HOSTILITIES AND AN EPISODE WHERE ACTION ACTUALLY SOLVED A PROBLEM. PERHAPS, IN ANOTHER 2 OR 3 HUNDRED SEASONS, YOU WILL BE ADVANCED ENOUGH TO CREATE EPISODES COMPOSED ENTIRELY OF DIALOGUE, AND CAN THEN JOIN ME. UNTIL THAT TIME, CHILL OUT. Q: [gasping, there's a charred hole in his gown right at crotch level] Well, gotta be going! [He blips out, very subdued this time] MOE: Goodbyyyyyyye! LARRY: Goodbyyyyyyyyye!! CURLY: Goodbyyyyyyyyyyye!!! MLC: GOODBYE!! [a door materializes in the middle of the deck and opens. They all do a softshoe number in step through the door, which slams after them and disappears] KIRK: They make a better exit than Q too. Q: [faint, disembodied voice] I heard that! PICARD: [surveying bridge, notices Data and Pulaski are gone, addresses Kirk first] Captain, it appears your services are no longer needed-- TROI: Hey, wait a-- PICARD: --here, so I will be happy to assist you in repairing your ship and helping you return to your proper time. By the way, does anyone know where Data and Doctor Pulaski are? EVERYONE: Nope. PICARD: Computer. COMPUTER: What you want? Baby I got it! Tell me-- PICARD: [sighing] Location of Commander Data and Doctor Pulaski? COMPUTER: Holodeck. PICARD: [absent-mindedly] Hmm? Oh, very good. [he turns his attention to a water balloon fight that has broken out between Scotty and LaForge, who has just found his way up to the bridge. Scotty is winning, and keeps calling LaForge Ray Charles. He still as te Ray Bans] Cut to entrance of Holodeck. DATA: [covering Holodeck nameplate casually with his arm] Yes, Doctor Pulaski, I understand now that I am merely a machine, a Heathkit project with an ego problem. I will accept my proper station in life and subserviently obey you. To start, I had this special turbolift that runs directly to sickbay constructed just for you. PULASKI: [haughtily] That's better. I believe I'll head there now. [she enters Holodeck; the door swooshes shut behind her with finality] DATA: [the grin is back full force as he gleefully punches the computer panel to action] Computer, resume Moriarty program. Disable character libido failsafes, and change setting from Old England to a swamp. COMPUTER: No prob. Done. Fade out on Data skipping down the hall and whistling "It Had to Be You".... Roll credits.