ÕÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸ ³ Distributed by USS Enterprise [713/466-0778] 1:106/1701 Jersey Village, TX ³ ³ Downloaded from XybyX - Roswell, Georgia - (404) 594-1315 ³ ³ FidoNet 1:133/114 - Primary TFDN Node - EggNet 99:9000/14 ³ ³ Home of the International Star Trek Echomail Conference ³ ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ; Title(s): Paradox Author(s): Tom Anonymous ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you noticed how many hyperintelligent, pandimensional beings there are in ST:TNG? Sometimes it seems like the universe is filled with things like the Q and the creature who protected the people on the planet of eternal jogging (the one where Wesley is sentenced to death for trampling some flowers, but alas, does not get killed). How about the Holodeck. That thing is the biggest lemon ever. Everytime they use it, someone is being shot or trapped or bored to tears (us). Well, with those things in mind, I respectfully submit: A NEW EPISODE FOR ST:TNG...... "PARADOX" TEASER In the hall outside the holodeck, two technicians wearing overalls which say "Joe's Holodeck Repair Service" are closing the panels to the control circuitry of the holodeck as Riker and Wesley watch. Tech 1: Well, sir, that should do it. Please send our respects to the widow of Lt. Feldman. We are so sorry that his vacation in the Alps ended with him being eaten by the Yeti. Here's the bill for the work. Riker: Bill? What bill? We don't use money any more! Tech 1: Oh, so I suppose you think we do this for fun? Riker: Doesn't everyone? Wesley: Sir, I think that they... Tech 2: Are you trying to tell me we don't get paid for this? Riker: President Roddenberry says we don't need money any more. Wesley: Sir, they didn't... Tech 1: That's easy for him to say. He lives in the presidential mansion on Deneb 5! I live in a one room cubicle on deck 73! Riker: Look, we all work for self-improvement... Wesley: SIR!!! I think that the technicians failed to ... Riker: Wesley, shut up. Tech 2: If I wanted self-improvement, I'd take a pottery class at a community college. I wouldn't spend my time running off to repair your toys every time you break them! Now are you gonna pay us or what? Wesley: But sir... Riker: Be quiet, Wesley! That's an order! Now, if you two have a problem with this, you should take it up with Councillor Troi. Tech 1: That mind-reading gossip-monger?!? She probes your brain and then spends the next week getting her jollies by telling half the ship what you think about! No way! We get a closeup of Wesley as he opens his mouth to speak and we hear an earsplitting wail. It takes the camera a moment to pan to the red-alert panel on the wall nearby, and we hear on the intercom... Worf: Red Alert! Red Alert! This is no drill! All personnel to stations! Riker: Come on, Wesley! They run off down the hall as we fade out, the camera closing in on the Holodeck control panel. It has been installed upside-down. ACT 1 On the bridge, with all but Dr. Crusher present... Picard: Captain's Log, stardate 67812.2567345. Data: Stardate 67812.2567346, captain. Picard: Yes, 346. While on a routine mission bringing much-needed marble busts of President Roddenberry to the artistically impoverished planet of Lorkus-3, we have encountered an unknown force blocking our path. Data, what do you make of that? Data: It is a form of energy we have never encountered before. Picard: Can we move around it? Geordi: No sir. Our helm controls are paralyzed. The only thing that reads as operative right now are our weapons. Riker: I wonder why that is? Worf: They know we never use them. A 'POP!' is heard, like the sound you make when you stick your index finger in your mouth and pluck it out. A man, dressed in a tinfoil jumpsuit appears on the bridge, in front of the viewscreen. Man: I am Xerkian. I wish to speak with your leader. Picard: I am Captain Picard... Xerkian (in great fear): Picard?!? Not THE Picard?!? Captain Pierre "the Butcher of Beta-Cygnus" Picard? Picard: No I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of Starfleet. Xerkian (visibly relieved): Oh, it's you. For a minute there I was worried. Picard: What do you want with us? We are on an important mission. We must not be delayed. Xerkian: Oh tut, tut, Picard. I am here to study your species. I am fascinated by your amazing resiliency and determination. Geordi: Not to mention our devastating moral superiority. Xerkian: I have developed a series of tests to determine how you react to certain situations... Wesley: A TEST?!? Oh boy! I'll go get my number two pencil!!! Xerkian looks at Wesley like he is some kind of mad dog that must be shot... Geordi: We can't stand him, either. Xerkian shakes his head and seems to recollect his thoughts. Xerkian: So prepare yourselves! In two hours the tests begin! Wesley: I can barely wait! This is going to be great! We fade out with a scene of Wesley dancing a jig around the bridge and Worf closing in on him with that 'Homicidal Klingon' look in his eyes. ACT 2 In the briefing room, the whole cast, except Wesley, who is in his cabin sharpening pencils in a frenzy, has gathered to discuss how to deal with Xerkian. Picard: Now we must remain rational. The first thing he wants is for us to be afraid of him. Worf: I'm not. Geordi: That's because your head is made of solid stone. Data: Actually, Geordi, Worf's brain is like a dinosaur's. Its neural connections are short-circuited so that every stimulus results in the attack and destroy response. Picard: Gentlemen! Let us discuss the matter at hand! Councillor, what did you feel when he was on the bridge? Troi: An urge to put him in an oven. He looked like a big roast, with all that foil on him! Dr. Crusher: I think the captain means what did you feel him feel. Troi: Oh. Well, he seemed to be intent on putting us all to death in a multitude of hideous ways. Picard: That can't be true! No sentient race could ever evolve such that there would be such evil in it. Everyone everywhere must be righteous and good and kind, just like us. Dr. Crusher: After all, President Roddenberry just passed a law making it so. Troi: Yes, and just last week I heard that the USS Constitution caught a Ferengi ship using its phasers on an orphanage and the captain made them stay after in the ward room and write 'I will not toast orphans any more' 100 times. Geordi: I'll bet they never do that again. Picard: Data, what do you know about Xerkian? Data: He seems to be a creature that can manipulate matter and energy at will. A being of great power and intellect. Dr. Crusher: That's nothing. President Roddenberry can manipulate history! Geordi: I can't remember, was there nuclear war on Earth or not? Picard: Well, we won't know any more until he comes back. In the meantime, I'm going to the Holodeck. Anyone to join me? Riker and Dr. Crusher agree to and we fade out as they leave the room. ACT 3 In the corridor, outside the Holodeck entrance. Picard: Computer. Program the Holodeck for France of 1986. The disco "The Abbatoir" in Paris. Computer: Working. Dr. Crusher: Have you ever been here before, captain? Picard: No, doctor, but I've been told that it is quite good. The doors open and the usual dry ice gas flows out and the three of them walk in. The door slams shut behind them and the mist clears away. Riker finds himself looking right into the eyeball of a brontasaurus, knee deep in muck. The mighty lizard stops chewing his mouthful of sludge long enough to emit a fragrant belch at the commander, who passes out, falling face-first into the swamp. Picard: They've done it again! How real! How exciting! The decor here is just perfect! Crusher: I don't think this is it, sir! Help me with commander Riker! They lift the filth-coated Riker out of the mud. Picard: Maybe your right. Exit! The door opens and they leave, dragging the now semi-conscious officer along. Picard (into Holodeck control panel speaker): Computer! Computer: Sir? Picard: What was that? Computer: What was what? Picard: Where we just were! Computer: Where's that? Picard: It was some kind of prehistoric swamp! Computer: Really? Here? Picard: Yes! Right in there! Computer: Are you putting me on? Picard: Arrrrrggghhhh! This thing is driving me mad! (into intercom) Captain to repair deck. Send someone up to fix the Holodeck on the double! Intercom: Aye, sir. They drag Riker off to a shower as we fade out. ACT 4 The three adventurers are back at the Holodeck again, Riker looking as clean and dashing as ever. The two technicians are back, and we open the scene with them finishing their work again. Picard (into intercom): How much longer until Xerkian comes back, Lieutenant? Geordi: You have 55 minutes, sir. Picard: Very well. Riker (to techs): I hope you've found the problem this time. Tech 2: Look, you get what you pay for. The techs leave. Picard: Are we all ready now? Why don't you pick the place this time, Dr. Crusher? Crusher: Computer? Please give us opening night of 'Cats' on Broadway, New York, United States, Earth, 1980-ish. Computer: Aye, ma'am. The doors open again and the three walk in. The doors close and the camera backs up to show the control panel of the Holodeck flashing about 18 warning lights. Back on the bridge, Geordi and Worf are playing a video game wherein Geordi's gladiators are fighting in a forested arena against Worf's wild beasts. There is something familiar about the gladiators... Geordi: Ha! Just missed me, you klingon beast! Take that! One of the gladiators stabs at a lion with a sword. Worf: Grrrrrrrrr! Kill kill kill kill kill!!!!!!! Three pumas leap out of a tree onto another of the gladiators. He sidesteps them and dispatches them with his mace. A few more minutes of mayhem and the beasts are all dead. Three of the gladiators are left. Data: Here, Worf, let me play once. Worf growls but lets the android take over. As this friendly banter is going on, no one is watching the video game screen. The three gladiators are jumping up and down, waving their arms and yelling. Unfortunately, this game has no sound, so we can't hear what they are saying. Geordi: Oh no! No one has ever beaten you, Data! Well, I'll give it my best shot. Data: Since the game has been adapted for your visor, you can see the infrared shapes of the creatures wherever they hide. This may be more even than you think. The game begins again. This time, the beasts manage to wound the gladiators, but Geordi's ability to see through the foliage manages to foil most of their assaults. As the combat builds to a wild crescendo, a buzzer goes off next to Geordi. Worf: You were saved just in time, Geordi. Data: Indeed. Geordi: No way! I had it all the way. (He shuts the buzzer off.) Time to warn the captain. 10 minutes until Xerkian returns. In the corridor outside the Holodeck. Picard (muffled, his voice cracking as if he's been screaming, shouts from the other side of the Holodeck door): EXIT! The doors open and the three of them, their uniforms slashed to ribbons, bleeding from dozens of wounds, stagger and fall onto the deck in the corridor. The doors close. Computer (cheerily): Thak you for using the Holodeck Mark V. Please come back soon. Riker lifts himself up to the intercom. Riker: Medic! He collapses as we fade out. We fade back in to see the whole crew on the bridge, where Picard, Crusher and Riker are still all tattered and torn. Picard: How much longer? Geordi: 30 seconds, sir. Picard: Okay. Everyone, remember your orders. Positions! The camera closes in on the clock as we see the last few seconds tick away. The POP! is heard again and the camera shows a closeup of Xerkian's face as he looks about. It cuts to show us what he is seeing. All over the bridge, the crew is laying still, in various positions of convulsive death. Xerkian: My God! They've all killed themselves in terror over what I might do to them! Xerkian goes up to the bloodied, inert form of Picard. Xerkian: Sir, my hat is off to you. You died bravely. You crafty old devil, Picard. We hyperintelligent pandimensional beings are no match for you! You've gone to a place where even we cannot get at you. Au revoir, mon ami. Another POP! is heard and Xerkian is gone. The crew gets up and congratulations are exchanged at having once more cleverly outwitted a hyperintelligent pandimensional being. CONCLUSION In the corridor outside the Holodeck, Wesley, Riker and the two technicians are talking. The control panel is now back together and in working order. Riker: Well, the Holodeck is working again, thanks to Wesley. Wesley: That's what I was trying to tell you before, sir. I noticed that the negative coupling hydrospanners had been reverse ionized and that the equations for the creation of the illusion matrices would create singularities! Tech 2: Is this guy for real? Riker: The captain is not pleased at all with the work you two did here. Tech 1: So what is he gonna do, sue us? Tech 2: Maybe we'll be docked one month's pay! (Both laugh) Tech 1: Come on, Murray, let's go get a beer. Tech 2: Really. They walk off as we fade out to credits. THE END.