ÕÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸ ³ Distributed by USS Enterprise [713/466-0778] 1:106/1701 Jersey Village, TX ³ ³ Downloaded from XybyX - Roswell, Georgia - (404) 594-1315 ³ ³ FidoNet 1:133/114 - Primary TFDN Node - EggNet 99:9000/14 ³ ³ Home of the International Star Trek Echomail Conference ³ ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ; Title(s): (meanings of the word bomber) Author(s): Sandra E. Connolly ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A friend of mine who is quite indifferent to Star Trek nevertheless watches TNG each Saturday with me. During the summer, she wanted to illustrate the multiple meanings of the word "bomber" in French, so she used ST as a context she knew I would understand. For someone who is only watching to keep me company, she has a remarkable attention to detail. Here are the meanings of bomber, before I type in the parody: BOMBER 1. to spray paint 2. to camber 3. to bulge (wall) 4. to belt along 5. to throw out (one's chest) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stardate 253.92.71.36279.485.365.225 Picard: Crew, I have called you all to the bridge today for three reasons: 1. I wanted to see just how many people the bridge can hold, and judging from the large quantity of you sitting on the delicate and very expensive navigational equipment, I'd say it doesn't hold as many people as I expected. I think we need a bigger set -- I'll talk to the producer. 2. I wanted to see if the Enterprise would run into any technical difficulties or medical emergencies while the entire cast is on the bridge and the staff is on lunch break. [Picard, with his back to the camera, clasps his hands together leaving his index fingers standing. He draws them to a point directly beneath his nose perpendicular (orthogonal) to his mouth. At the same time, he quickly pulls his hands away, reclasps them behind his back, and spins around to face the cast on the bridge.] 3. This is the last and most important reason of all. When we were on the planet Sigma Bomber IV yesterday, the Enterprise, home to each and every one of us here, was sabotaged. I don't know who did it, but by the end of this episode, writers willing, I WILL [Riker, who has been making eyes at Troi, looks up, grinning] know all. [tight shot on the ferocious gleam in Picard's eyes] [Murmur of confusion runs through the crowd. Tasha Yar steps forward.] Yar: Captain Picard, I realize I'm not supposed to say more than three words a show, but I feel this is is worth it. May I proceed? Picard: In this case, Yar, I will say yes because you made a great effort to come to the bridge. After all, you are dead. Permission granted; make it so. Yar: Thank-you sir. I and the others would like to know exactly what the nature and result of the sabotage were, after all it is my responsibility as security officer to ... Picard: Yar, you wasted your lines for the next sixteen episodes for nothing. I was going to tell you those things anyway. [Yar bursts into tears, remembers she's supposed to be tough, and quickly gets control of herself, muttering something about rape gangs ] Picard: While I was doing an external inspection of the Enterprise I noticed somebody had spray painted something on the outside of our beloved haven. Yar: What? [covers mouth with hand] Oops! Picard: [to Yar] You're lucky you're already dead. [to all] The graffiti said, "Captain Picard is a pseudo-French baldie who wears a dress to important occasions." I'm not pleased. Yar, I want to send a letter to the people of Bomber. Yar: Mailing frequencies open, sir. Picard: "My dear citizens of Bomber, what you did to my ship was a real mean thing. When I find out which one of you did this I'm going to tell your mommy on you and I'll belt you a long time. Sincerely yours, Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise." Do you think I should give the corresponding French version just so they know I'm real french and not pseudo-French? Data: Sir, I think that would be an excellent idea. According to my information 62.397349% of the population of Bomber would be convinced of your French roots. [Looks at Picard's balding head, with intense android gleam in his eyes, clears throat as if is about to continue] Picard: Thank you Data. Now does anyone here know how to translate from English to French? [At this point a few stray opening credits drift across the screen] Dr Crusher: It's like nothing I've ever encountered before! Troi: I sense ... a blank ... it's as if there's nothing there... ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Insert commercials for: Hair Club For Men 15 year old plastic ST figurines Japanese cars ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Stardate 353.92.71.36279.485.365.225 2nd chief engineer's amendment to doctor's personal log: [The person making the log entry is seen wandering around in a corridor, his lips are not moving] "The Enterprise has been sabotaged by an unknown entity. Six people are working on it while the remaining thousand or so are walking past in the background with purposeful looks on their faces." [Cut to bridge] Picard: Okay, there has been no response to my letter yet. Yar, are you sure you know how to operate those mailing frequencies? Yar: I can't answer that sir, I've already used up all my lines for all of next season. Data: Logic would suggest, sir, that the saboteur is a member of the crew. [bridge crew stares in astonishment] The people of Bomber have a culture that forbids them to interfere with the property of others and, unlike humans, members of alien races, even those who differ from humans only by a slight facial feature, ALWAYS conform to their cultural rules. Riker: Sir, that's inconceivable. [Riker folds his hand on his lap and leans forward eagerly, peering at Troi's cleavage as he does so.] The crew on this vessel ... Picard: Observation noted, number one. Yar, I want to send a message to blind people on this ship, all the merchants, criminals and everyone else. Yar: Brailing, retailing, jailing and hailing frequencies open, sir. Worf: May I say something, sir? Picard: Heavens no. And don't stand so close to me: you know I'm allergic to all that make-up that makes you look like a Klingon. [Picard looks slightly embarrassed when he realizes that everyone on the ship has heard him insult Worf. He clears his throat and then walks forward and leans over Geordie's shoulder, trying to be chummy. He accidentally dislodges the VISOR and red sparks shoot out of the sides of Geordie's head. Meanwhile continues to deliver his message]. "It has recently come to my attention that it was one of you who defaced the Enterprise and let me say I'm shocked and even saddened at the thought. I'm having the handwriting analysed; meanwhile I'm going into the holodeck to relax." [Picard stops in at his room and notices that some of his fish have died. He hasn't fed them since the tank is moulded into the wall. He continued to the holodeck where he relaxes by living out his greatest fantasy -- to have hair on his head.] [Two scientists rush in.] Picard: This had better be important. Do you know I've been bald since birth? Scientist 1: No sir, I didn't know that. Picard: That's ok. It was a rhetorical question. Now what do you want? Scientist 2: Captain Picard, we know the identity of the graffiti artist. Picard: Finally. Who was it? Wait a moment -- why are you the ones who figured this out? Usually things like that are figured out by someone totally uninformed on the subject, like Dr Crusher. Scientist 1: Yes, I know. But Dr Crusher was much to emotional to tell you this. You see, the vandal is Wesley Crusher. [Picard's hair falls out as he rushes to the bridge] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Picard: Yar, get the intraship hailing frequencies open NOW!! Yar: Captain Picard, as security officer I ... Picard: NOW, Yar, or this time you'll die permanently. Yar: Hailing frequencies open, SIR. Picard: [Voice dripping of patience, control and fatherly love] "Wesley to the bridge please." [Wesley comes bounding onto the bridge with an enormous grin on his face] Wesley: Jea -- er Captain, do I finally get to work on the bridge? Picard: Wesley, sit down please. [Wesley sits down with a confused look on his face] It has come to my attention that you put the graffiti on the Enterprise. What do you have to say about that? Wesley: Captain, Worf is brewing up a strange concoction, and according to my calculations, the Enterprise could very well be in grave danger... Picard: Shut up, Wesley; don't try to get someone else in trouble when you're on the hot seat. Now tell me why you did it. Wesley: Well, Captain, as you know, I had the lead part in the movie Stand By Me and I also played Harry Houdini in the Disney Movie The Amazing Houdini. I also played Jennifer's boyfriend in Family Ties once... Picard: Wesley, I'm well aware of your acting credentials; get on with it. Wesley: Well, I'm always such a goody two spaceboots. I wanted to be BAD for a change. Picard: Wesley, you chose the wrong thing to do. Of course the enterprise will have to be repainted and you'll have to work off the cost by saving the ship more often. As for now, you will spend the next 48 hours in your room with no visitors. Wesley: Yes, Captain Picard. I know what I did was wrong and it will never happen again. I'm very sorry and I'm on my way to my room. [Captain Picard is touring the ship when he smells something strange] Picard: What on Mars is that smell? Why Worf it's you. [Worf stares at Picard] Sorry, Worf, I mean what are you doing? Worf: I'm cambering, sir. It's a Klingon ritual. Picard: [consulting dictionary] You're being formed with a surface that curves upwards to its centre? Worf: No, sir. I'm making Camembert chese. Picard: Well that explains the smell. Hey, wait a minute, you can't do that in here. You'll depressurize the hypersensitization chamber causing the dilithium crystalsto overdetonate resulting in megatonic distortions in the walls. But it's too late now -- it's already starting! Worf: Exactly what does that mean, Captain? Picard: The walls are bulging. Wesley's the only one who can save us now. After all, he did predict this mess. [Picard touches the wall and it lights up with schematic diagrams] Yar, get me a direct line to Wesley's room. Yar: Sir, I don't know how to do that. I missed that class at the Acadamy. Picard: Help! Troi:[ Yes, I know this scene started in a corridor. It's a continuity error] I sense that you need help, Captain. Let me call. [gets the hookup to Wesley's room] Picard: Wesley we need your help desperately. Please come to the bridge immediately. Wesley: Sorry sir, my 48 hours are not up. I cannot disobey the Pr -- your orders. Data: Starfleet regulations state that an Admiral cannot be confined to quarters. Picard: OK Wesley, I'm promoting you to admiral, your confinement is terminated immediately. Wesley: I'll be right there . Wow! [Wesley is now on the bridge] Wesley: ...oh it's very simple, sir, you merely pull out the plug in the cheese making machine. Picard: Oh, Admiral Crusher, you've saved us again. We'll forget this whole graffiti episode and award you a medal. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ commercial ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [At the ceremony Picard shows up in his DRESS uniform. Everyone has a good chuckle] Picard: I present this highest medal of honour to Admiral Wesley Crusher. [Wesley proudly throws out his chest, then blushes with embarrassment and bends down to pick it up] Picard: [Back on bridge] Lt. LaForge, take us to warp 5. We're going to McDonald's for n'gaan flavoured milkshakes, on me. ENGAGE! Dr Crusher: [Runs to Picard, throws her arms around him.] Oh Jean-Luc, at last! [The episode closes with a tight shot of the confused face of Captain Picard with the words "produced by Gene Roddenberry" written across it, in blue.]