ÕÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸ ³ Distributed by USS Enterprise [713/466-0778] 1:106/1701 Jersey Village, TX ³ ³ Downloaded from XybyX - Roswell, Georgia - (404) 594-1315 ³ ³ FidoNet 1:133/114 - Primary TFDN Node - EggNet 99:9000/14 ³ ³ Home of the International Star Trek Echomail Conference ³ ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ; Title(s): Star Trek: The Next Generation The Confused People of Megus-2 Who Just Need a Little Moral Guidance Author(s): Tom Anonymous ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Tired of ST:TNG, where no action ever occurs and the Federation's enemies are now it's friends? Does it seem to you that this show has more in common with Mr. Roger's Neighborhood (look, there's Mr. Ferengi! Can you say 'Hi!' to Mr. Ferengi? Ow! Mr. Ferengi just shot at us! Now, you didn't really mean to do that, did you Mr. Ferengi?) than to the old Star Trek (Mr. Spock, inform the Ferengi that we wish 5 minutes to make peace with our gods before they kill us. You're not really going to let them do this, are you Jim? No, Bones, I'm going to roast their asses as soon as they get close to finish us off!)? Well, so do I. Therefore, I humbly offer this parody... A NEW EPISODE FOR STAR TREK:THE NEXT GENERATION "THE CONFUSED PEOPLE OF MEGUS-2 WHO JUST NEED A LITTLE MORAL GUIDANCE" INTRO On the bridge with Riker in command... Geordi: ...and so the male Binar says to the female, 'Is it true what they say, that when you say "0" you really mean "1"?' And she slaps him right across the face! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Get it? Data: No. Geordi: You stupid peice of junk, you don't have the brains of a toaster-oven. How could you not get that one. I swear I can't believe they make me sit next to you, you pasty electronic bore. Troi: Now, now, Geordi, I detect feelings of hostility in you. You know, we must learn to accept one another and live with each other's faults. President Roddenberry says that there are no truly evil people and if we all tried to communicate with each other more openly, we would see value in everyone. Why, even Hitler, Stalin and Ghengis Kahn were really just good people who needed a little moral guidance. It is unfortunate that my New Age abilities to read feelings weren't around then. Perhaps we should all get together and air our differences out. My ability to read emotions can help us all to get in tune with our inner selves. Geordi: God, I hate it when she does that. ACT 1 Picard is in his cabin dictating his log.... Captain's Log Stardate 21953.74. We are on a diplomacy mission to the second planet of the Megus system. Our objective is to establish relations with the people of this planet and discover why the last 14 ships sent on this mission have not come back. I must admit to some trepidations regarding this mission and the safety of my crew. In fact, I have just wet my pants. Riker: Bridge to Captain Picard. Megus-2 is now within scanning distance, Captain. Picard: I'll be right there. Corridor, where Picard runs into Wesley and Dr. Crusher. Wesley: Captain! Last night I was able to prove that the laws of thermodynamics are all wrong. If you'll just take a look at my equations, I can show you... Picard shoves Wesley aside, a bit roughly Picard: I haven't got time right now, Wesley! Crusher: Captain! Be more gentle with my son! You know he's a scientific prodigy. Like Mozart. Picard: Dr. Crusher, Mozart was a drunkard and a philanderer. He didn't spend his life locked up in some lab scribbling away at equations all day. Wesley seems more like Eddie Haskell to me! Bridge, where Picard enters. Riker: Scanners show an advanced culture, perhaps equal to Earth of the early 21st century. Picard: Open a hailing frequency to Megus-2. The ship is rocked by incoming fire. Red alert is sounded and there is much bustling about. Picard: What the devil was that? Riker: We're getting a signal from the planet, sir! They insist that we surrender! Picard: Make it so! Warf: WHAT!!! You cheesy little coward! I say we fight them! We can easily overwhelm them with our superior firepower! Our shields will be able to withstand anything they can do to us! How could you have made captain with no balls?!? You cringing, hairless eunuch!!! Picard: This is MY ship and I will give the commands here! We surrender! Geordi: Every week. Picard: We will try to talk this out with them like civilized creatures! Riker: They are telling us to come into orbit and beam down a landing party to discuss the disposal of our ship and crew. We can be in orbit in an hour, Captain. Picard: Make it so. Then have the command staff assemble in the briefing room to discuss this matter. ACT 2 In the briefing room... Picard: Data, what do we know about Megus-2? Data: Well, it is 8003.63425167 miles in diameter, it has an atmosphere of 56.432567% Nitrogen, 18.63452789659% Oxygen, ... Geordi: God, I hate it when he does that. Picard: No, Data, what about the people here? Data: We know almost nothing of them, Captain. Warf: Captain, I think we should fight! Geordi: What a surprise. Riker: Maybe we'll learn something more when we beam down. Wesley: I've learned something more! Newton was all screwed up in his calculations! I worked it out on my napkin at lunch! Geordi: God, I hate it when he does that. Picard: What feelings are you getting from the planet, Troi? Troi: I feel great lust and desire. I feel a hand on my leg...Riker! (SLAP!) Riker: Sorry. Troi: I feel great resistance towards us. I feel millions of closed minds. A people who fear us and dislike us. Crusher: If only we could talk to them, reason with them. They would see that we mean them no harm. Captain, we could do wonders for them! We could improve their medicine, change their laws, regulate their industries, loosen their moral codes, and make them conform in every way to President Roddenberry's ideas of what is right and good. Geordi: Our true mission. Picard: We'll get a chance to do that soon, Doctor. I now feel like going to the Holodeck. Riker: Good idea, sir! The programming has been changed to include the new orgasmatron-8 subroutine. I hear it's a real beaut. Now there's no need to even consider having to deal with a relationship with a real person. No more having to cope and adjust to imperfect partners. It's all made perfect just for you! I hear half the crew is AWOL inside the thing all day long! Geordi: Isn't President Roddenberry great? ACT 3 Act 3 is a debauchery and orgy in the Holodeck that would make Caligula nauseous. ACT 4 Back on the bridge, a yeoman hands a report to Picard for him to sign. Picard: Riker! This report says that our surrender time is up. I want the crew drilled over and over on our techniques until we have our response time down to half of this. Riker: Very well, sir. We are now in orbit, sir. Picard: Good. Assemble the usual landing party. Geordi, Warf, you two will stay here. Geordi and Warf: Aye, sir. Cut to scene in ship's gym where a drill instructor has a squad of security men in front of him. D.I.: Allright, you slack-bellied slugs! Again! Phasers down, hands up! Phasers down, hands up! Phasers down, hands up!.... The party of Picard, Troi, Riker, Data, Wesley, and Crusher beam down to the planet's surface where they are met by a delegation of Megans. The men all look like Harrison Ford or Robert Redford, and the women all look like Loni Anderson or Valerie Harper. All around are happy, well adjusted people doing constructive, wholesome things. Kenor: Hello. I am Kenor, leader of the Megans. I welcome you to our planet. Follow us to our council chambers. The group goes indoors to the council chambers. Picard: I demand to know what this is all about! We are on a peace mission! Kenor: We know all about your 'peace' missions. You wander around the galaxy contacting new civilizations, then tell them how lousy their culture is, and then explain to them how to make it more perfect, according to your standards. Last week, you convinced the lion-people of Krenori that eating meat is wrong. They are now all starving to death since their bodies are incapable of assimilating vegetable proteins. Before that, you told the Predoks, that you had proven that the death penalty doesn't work, despite the fact that with it they had not had a crime in over 2000 years. Prior to that, you 'liberated' a race of humanoids on Mynos-5 from the protective guidance of a hyperintelligent, pandimensional being whom you said was 'stunting their growth as a creative people'. Their civilization is now in ruins, thanks to you. This is why we have destroyed every starship that has ever come near our planet. We have no desire to watch our culture be overwhelmed by yours and see our people become a bunch of smarmy, smug, pushy bastards. Guards! Kill them. Then see to their ship. The landing party is shot on the spot, just as they try to 'talk things out' with their captors. We dissolve to an external shot of the ship and see it blown out of the sky. RESOLUTION Kirk: How long will it take the antidote to take affect, Bones? McCoy: About 10 minutes. Spock: 10.73 minutes, Doctor. Sulu: Captain, was that...I mean, will we...I mean, was that all really just a dream? Kirk: Yes, Mr. Sulu. The Talosians used their techniques of illusion to convince the viewers that we had been replaced by those...things. McCoy: But was it really necessary to blast their planet apart like that, Jim? Maybe we could have talked to them. Kirk: They didn't want to talk, Bones. Spock: No, Doctor, they wanted control of the whole galaxy. Kirk: Sometimes you just have to fight. Fade out as Kirk looks at the viewing screen with a look of sad determination on his face.... THE END