ÕÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸ ³ Distributed by USS Enterprise [713/466-0778] 1:106/1701 Jersey Village, TX ³ ³ Downloaded from XybyX - Roswell, Georgia - (404) 594-1315 ³ ³ FidoNet 1:133/114 - Primary TFDN Node - EggNet 99:9000/14 ³ ³ Home of the International Star Trek Echomail Conference ³ ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ; Title(s): Star Trek: The Next Generation Author(s): Seth R. Meyer ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Sponsors: Tri-Star Pictures proudly present: =====`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'===== WHO FRAMED Willy Riker See your favorite "Number One" charcter in this delightful comedy. Rated PG...Now Playing At a Theatre Near You -------------------------------------------- Child-Universe: A real toy store and a whole lot more! Now on sale this week: Toy Phasers: Be like your favorite hero! Legend Kits: (a) Kirk Kit - includes booklet on how to properly make arm gestures and voice sounds. Free comdom with every purchase. (b) Spock Stuff - includes eyebrows, pointed ears, and a book of Logic. [Coming soon - Scotty Stuff & Bones Bio-Kit!] ----------------------------------------------- S T A R T R E K The Next Generation Episode 25 The Pre-season Motion Picture --------------------------------------------------------------------------- by Seth Meyer --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 1: [Space] Female Communications Officer, McKee: This is Starbase 12 calling USS Hyundi. Come in. Captain YWUDSH: Thizzz izz Captainzz TWUDSH ofzz the USzzSzz Hyundi. McKee: Can you clear up the interference on your end? We're receiving a lot of static. YWUDSH: No szztatic. All of uszz fromzz the planet Har-donzz zzzspeak like thiszzz... Mckee: I see. What iszz...err..is your current status? YWUDSH: We arezz tracking an objectzz traveling at warp szzzeven headingzzz: 183.2... Mckee: And what do scanners indicate? YWUDSH: Szzzome type of plaszzzma energy. The readingszzz are offzzz the szzcale! All attemptzzzs at communicatingzz with it have beenzzz fu... [Red Alert Klaxon] ...wezzz are underz attack! Mckee: Lt. Lemoine; External view! [Picture appears on viewscreen of USS Hyundi disintergrating] Mckee: Oh my Lord! Lemoine: Sir, that object is on a direct course for... [drumroll] Earth! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 2: [USS Enterprise - turbolift en route to bridge] Crusher: ...and so I am to be transferred immediately. Picard: I see. So you and the boy will be leaving... Crusher: err...no...he can stay. [turbolift doors open as Picard steps out] Listen, I've got to pack, so...I'll see you later. Bye! [turbolift doors shut] Picard: What the devil!? Laforge: [jumping up and down] I can see! I can see! Picard: Will! Explain! Riker: [grinning] Respectfully speaking, sir, it was Data's idea. Picard: Data? Data: Well, it was Troi who felt it... Picard: Troi... Troi: Well, sir. It was chief engineer 22, Lt. Fergurson, who figured out that... Picard: [Once again, yelling at the ceiling] Lt. Fergurson, this is Captain Picard. Fergurson: [intercom] <> Picard: Will *someone* tell me what the devil is going on!?? Wesley: I simply took off them silver eye things and he could see. It really was no tribble a'tall. Picard: Worf: Sir, emergency message from starbase 12. Picard: [surprised] Worf! There you are! I thought you had disappeared! Worf: [sarcastically] Just getting in my two lines for this episode *now*, sir. Picard: Very good. Open frequencies. Worf: Sir. It's a message. Not a phone call. Picard: Ah...yes... Didn't you already get in your two lines?... Admiral Boyardee: [on viewscreen] An emergency situation has arisen. An alien object with incredible destructive power is headed for Earth... Riker: He's an admiral? [grins] I thought he was a federation chef? Admiral Boyardee: [on viewscreen] ...less than 96 hours from... Picard: Best there was, Number 1. He made croissants absolutely manifique! Admiral Boyardee: [on viewscreen] ...any action you see fit to divert whatever it is from its present heading. This mission... Riker: [grinning] I also heard he was into pasta. Admiral Boyardee: [on viewscreen] ...you will be joined by an experienced Admiral who... Picard: Ah, this is true, but nothing top Lt. Cmdr. Spaghetti-O's recipe for pasta with luscious sauce. Riker: [grinning] Agreed. Admiral Boyardee: [on viewscreen] ...perate, and follow her orders. Data: But why send a vessel with over 500 civilians not to mention the... Picard: Shhh! Admiral Boyardee: [still hanging loose on the viewscreen] ...you all the best of luck. Admiral Boyardee out. [viewscreen darkens, and stars are visible throughout space] Picard: Plot a course to 154.93 mark 5. Geordi: That would lead us to the Universe Plaza/Mall! I hear they're having a great sale on Dilithium Coffee and... Picard: No, Geordi. I want you to go to Starbase 12 at warp 8, as per our orders. Geordi: Plotted and ready. [his hand mysteriously levitating over the one button that will send them into warp speed] Picard: Engage. WawawawawaWWWWOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH!!! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 3: [outside Starbase 12] Data: Captain, the USS Toyota is alongside us and wishes to dock. The admiral to accompany us is on board. Troi: Ohhh what a feeling!... Picard: See to it! Data: Blech! [All bridge crew looks at Data] Data: Blurch!...Belch! [Suddenly notices that he's being looked at] Riker: [grinning as usual] Mr. Data, what are you doing? Data: Burping sir. Another one of your useless human processes I am trying to emulate. [All on bridge giggle except Picard and Worf] Data: Berch! [Pauses, tilts head, stands up and faces Captain Picard] Do I have it right, sir? Picard: Unfortunately, Data, yes. You see, it's not publically acceptable. When people are ... Female Admiral: [intercom] <> Picard: [Looking at ceiling] Yes! Of course! By all means! Female Admiral: [intercom] <> Data: Blurp! Female Admiral: <> Picard: [yelling at ceiling] Yes! Of course! By all means! Picard out! [All look at Data, then start to laugh. Data simply looks, and tilts head like a dog trying to understand something] --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 4: [Main Bridge] [Turbolift doors open] Data: Admiral on the bridge. [Picard, Riker, Data, Geordi, Worf, and especially Wesley stare at Admiral] Picard: W-w-welcome aboard admiral...err... Female Admiral: Admiral Saavik, Captain Picard. [gesturing towards Picard's chair] If you will now... Picard: [moving to Riker's seat, and thus knocking him to the floor] Oh...yes...of course...by all means... Admiral Saavik: Geordi, plot a course to the Sirius star system for interception of the alien. Worf: [mumbling] A Vulcan would pick "Sirius" as the place to go. Saavik: [to Worf] I am only half Vulcan. Troi: I am only half Betazed. Riker: [grinning from floor] It seems like I only have half a brain! Data: I sometimes feel half human. Wesley: A part of me just grew to half a foot. [grins slyly and raises eyebrows at Saavik] Saavik: [In control of her emotions] Geordi. Are coordinates set? Geordi: Aye, sir. Saavik: Since we know nothing of this unknown, first detach saucer section. Geordi: Aye. Saavik: Very good. Proceed. [Turns to Wesley] Wesley, come with me. Lets teach you some discipline. [Both enter turbolift] Picard: I hope she has better luck than I have. Riker: Sorry sir, but he's my responsibility. Picard: Of course, Number One. Riker: Sir, about that... Picard: The responsibility? Riker: [grins] No... The 'Number One' bit. Picard: Explain. Riker: Well, since I am second in command, shouldn't I be called 'Number Two'? Picard: Hmm...good point. When did you think of this? Riker: [still grinning] When I was reading this magazine... Worf: [interrupting] You were reading old style ammunition containers? Riker: [still grinning] No, Worf. 'MAD' magazine. It mentioned your problem of remembering numbers. Like the magazine said, remember when you ordered that V-9 for breakfast? Picard: A simple slip of the tongue, Number Two. Riker: So that would make you Number One. Picard: Yes, I suppose so. But consider this: Our mail might get mixed up. Riker: [grinning] Good point. We'd better leave it the way it is. Worf: Hmmmpf... --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 4: [In turbolift] Saavik: Holodeck. [Turbolift starts up] Saavik: [Noticing Wesley staring at her communicator] You seem very interested in something. Care to tell me what's on your mind? Wesley: I...I...I'd like to...[licks upper lip]...umm... [turbolift doors open and they exit] Saavik: I see. How old do you think I am? Wesley: Err...well...eighteen? Saavik: [places fingers of her right hand on Wesley's face in a mindmeld] I see... [They walk to holodeck five] Saavik: [to computer] Holodeck status. Computer: Holodeck is unoccupied... Saavik: Good. I would like a... Computer: occupied... Saavik: Didn't you just say... Computer: unoccupied. Saavik: Right. I would like a bedroom setting... Computer: Nationality? Saavik: Vulcan. Computer: Mirrors? Saavik: Overhead. Computer: Mattress firmness? Saavik: Hard. Computer: Bed-type? Saavik: Adjustable. Computer: Brand? Saavik: Craftmatic Adjustables XVI. Computer: Carpeting? Saavik: Affermative. Computer: Carpet color? Saavik: Black. Computer: Dresser drawers? Saavik: None. Computer: Lighting? Saavik: Dim. Computer: Wallpaper? Saavik: None. Computer: Wall color? Saavik: White. [Five minutes later...] Computer: Background music? Saavik: "Blood Fever" by the Seven Year Itch. Computer: Protection? Saavik: None. Computer: Program set. Voice inside Holodeck Five: AAIIIEEEeeee***... Computer: Enter when ready. [Saavik goes inside, followed by a wide-eyed Wesley] Computer: ...when ready. [Saavik sits on the bed as Wesley stands in front of her] Saavik: Wesley...I am over five times your age... Wesley: [smiling] Uh-huh. Saavik: ...and knowing this makes no difference to you? Wesley: [smiling] No, sir. [Saavik signals Wesley to sit next to her, and he does immediately] Saavik: Let me explain something. Vulcans are supposed to act emotionless... Wesley: Yeah...so?.. [Saavik places her hand behind Wesley's head and gently strokes his hair] Saavik: ...except when we engage in all-out sex. Vulcans have found humans...shall we say...a most fascinating companion. Humans, though quite emotional, have an appeal that you could only classify as exotic. The marriage of Sarek and Amanda is built on this sexual attraction. [She tilts Wesley's head up to her] Wesley: [swallowing the lump in his throat] Have you ever done...y'know...a human? Saavik: Let me put it to you his way. I'll show you what David Marcus taught me. Wesley: Who? oommpphh! [Saavik kisses Wesley long and hard] mmmmm... [doors open to holodeck] Crusher: What are you doing to my son!? Get away from him you pointy eared... [Saavik pinches her shoulder and Dr. Crusher collapses] Wesley: Good. Let her sleep. Saavik: She's not sleeping. That was my Vulcan Death Grip. She startled me. Wesley: There's no such thing! Saavik: There is, when you're also half Romulan. [They kiss again, and rip each others clothes off] --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 5: [Battle Bridge] Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. With the strange alien object less than two days from earth, we hope that whatever it is inside, can reason the way we do. We expect to be in visual with the creature in appoximately two lines. Data: Sir. The creature is within visual. Picard: Very good. On viewer. Geordi: It's shooting off radio waves. Data: Interesting...my instruments didn't pick up any radio waves. Geordi: No, Data...I can see them. Riker: [grinning] Geordi. I thought you got rid of those. [Turbolift doors open as Wesley and Saavik enter the bridge, smoking cigarettes] Geordi: Yeah, but y'know...I've been thinking...I have nothing now to complain about...nothing to talk about, ever since I took off those silver eye things. Picard: Riker, what do you make of this probe. Riker: [the grin temporarily disappears] Permission to speak freely, sir. Picard: Always, Number One. Riker: Jean Luc, you bald reject look-alike for "Daddy Warbucks!" You chicken-crud, stupid loser who can't even get laid with Dr. Crusher, even when she mysteriously, for some reason beyond anyone's imagination, is hot for your pot-belly, double chinned body! I'm not even going to touch this hobby of yours of some so called 'poet' from way back when. You are such a... Picard: Riker... Riker: Sir? Picard: The probe? Riker: Unknown, sir. [a bright light fills the battle bridge, and...] Q: You pitiful humans. Haven't you figured out who *I* really am? Riker: [once again, grinning] Trelayne? Q: No, stupid! Worf: A stupid ass who should be fed to Romulan Bloodworms after being slowly dipped into HCl to eat away at his measly skin. Q: Mildly creative, microbrain, but wrong. Troi: A pitiful, sick, lonely man, desperately needing serious psychiatric help. Q: No, no, no. Geordi: David Copperfield? Q: No you dumb excuse for a... Picard: Q! Q: Yes, mon capitan? Picard: I got it! I got it! You *are* Q! Q: No, you dumb look-alike for Mr. Clean! I'm someone much different and more powerful... Wesley: You are the resulting creature from the combination of Commander William Decker, Lt. Illia, and the old earth probe, Voyager 6. Picard: Stupid! Ridiculous! Riker: [grinning] Sorry sir. He's my responsibility. Wesley, shut up. Q: How...how did you...*you* know? Crew: Huh? Wesley: I recognized those radio signals your probe was emitting. It was rather simple, after I recognized their origin from the 20th century. Data: [raises eyebrow] Intriguing. [Notices he raised eyebrow and repeats action] Very intriguing! Picard: So what do you want? Q: Let me tell you a story which occurred over 80 years ago... [Story of Star Trek: The Motion Picture, ommitted] Q: ...and being like this is driving me crazy. Troi: Speaking of crazy, I have an appointment to keep. [exits] Picard: Let me get this straight. You want to be an emotionless machine-like entity like before? Q: [mimicing Captain's tone] No...I want to be rid of this form. I can change my clothes or my hair, but I am stuck looking like this. My powers are therefore restricted. Riker: [grins] You want a face lift? Q: No, you reject from a Marvel comic book...you grinning baffoon...you.. Wesley: He wants to simply exist without form or pattern...like energy. He wants to evolve. He is asking "Is this all that I am, is there nothing more?" He wants to become a god. Q: Fantastic! Bravo! Wes, there's hope for you yet! [Looks at rest of crew] I've got to leave now. There are preperations to be made. I shall return shortly. Here's a token of my...shall I say... compassionate self... [A bright light fills the bridge, and Q disappears. Standing in his place is...] Yar: Where? Who? Get away you black wad of tar...huh?!? Bridge crew: Yar! Picard: Yar! Come with me. [Yar and Picard exit] [Bridge crew stares as they leave.] Saavik: Back to your stations. Damage report. Worf: No damage to the ship. Saavik: Data, status report. Data: The Q entity has disappeared from all scanners but radio patterns continuing. Saavik: Where's the source. Data: The probe, sir. Saavik: On audio. Radio: [Music blasts through the bridge] "Lets do the time warp again...lets do the time warp again...its just a..." Saavik: ...audio off! Riker: [grinning, raises eyebrow] Music? Data: Yes sir. However...Inquiry: 'Time Warp' in the 20th century? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 6: [Picard and Yar outside of holodeck five] Picard: Computer. Program number 6. Computer: Program set. Enter when ready. [Picard and Yar step through doors into a garden of beautiful flowers, a small stream, trees, as birds are heard in the 'distance' through holodeck speakers] Picard: [faces Yar] Wh..how...how do you feel? Yar: Fine sir. Why? Picard: What do you remember? Yar: I was attacked by Armus, and then I...I... Picard: Yar...you died. In fact, you've been dead for three months now. You were revived by Q. Yar: But...I... Picard: In fact, we played your holodeck farewell and everything. Yar: [blushing] But that's impossible! I couldn't have been dead! Picard: ...even the writer's strike has ended. Yar: It can be! [starts to cry] Sorry sir...I'm just... Picard: [holds Yar] It's alright Tasha...Captain's new rule: crying is now permitted after being resurrected by an alien being when in the holodeck with the Captain alone in a program 6 setting. Yar: Thank you sir. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 7: [Troi's Office] Lt. Goober: ...and I don't feel needed. Troi: I see... Lt. Goober: ...so like... what's my purpose here? I mean there are 84 other chief engineers on this ship. What do they need me for. Troi: I feel anger. Lt. Goober: *You* feel anger? Imagine how *I* feel?!? Troi: I meant... Lt. Goober: And then there's that Wesley kid... Troi: The boy? Lt. Goober: ...yeah. He knows more than I do about this ship. Troi: Well... Lt. Goober: So what's your diagnosis doc? Troi: You don't feel needed. Your confidence is unnecessarily low. We have over 1000 people on this ship and you were one of the chosen few to be responsible for the lives of the civilians. Their safety is in your hands, and there are others who depend on your knowledge of the ship. Besides that, you are a very intelligent, good-looking man. Lt. Goober: Thanks Troi. Troi: If you ever feel that way, remember that you *are* special. Same time next week. Lt. Goober: Yeah, and thanks. Troi: Bye. [sits back] [door beeps] Troi: Enter. Lt. Binkley: Hi Troi. May I speak with you. Troi: Yes. Please sit. Lt. Binkley: Troi, it's my wife... Troi: Again? Lt. Binkley: Again. You see, she is acting like such an immature .. Picard: [over intercom] <> Troi: Michael, I suggest you and your wife talk things through, without arguing. Go with her to the holodeck. I recommend program 69. All your arguments stem from some repressed feeling you both feel. You really both do love each other. If you can't talk it out, set up an appointment with me later today. Lt. Binkley: Thanks again. [exits] [Troi stands up, pushes a few buttons by her computer for no real reason followed by a few 'beeps' and then proceeds to the battle bridge.] --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 8: [Battle Bridge] [Entire bridge crew present, as Troi enters from turbolift] Troi: Yar! When? How? Yar: Troi! [They embrace] Saavik: Now that we are all here, I'd like to speak to you all. This "Q" character is evidently the source of this alien probe hurtling at Earth. It is now six hours from the planet. Picard: We must wait until Q reappears. [bright light fills bridge again] Q: You call Captain Stubbing? Riker: [still grinning] Wow! Picard: Q! We demand that you tell us what you and that probe want from us. Q: I come here, restore your pitiful security chief, and you demand me to explain to you why. Tsk, tsk. Yar: Captain, let me shoot him with my phaser. One good shot between his... Saavik: Quiet! All of you. [looks around] Now, Q, what is it you want from us. Q: I wish to join with one of you pitiful humans. I tried [points to Riker] to join with Riker, but he stupidly refused. I need one human more. If none of you assist me, I will destroy the Earth with my probe. [dramatic music] Saavik: I will go. Picard: Admiral, don't! You don't know what... Saavik: As my mentor once said: "The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few...or the one." Q: How very touching, but you are not human. Saavik: I am half hu...well...half...no...ummm Wesley: Gee! You are old! Vulcan Senility! Q: Would *you* Wesley, like to come with me? Wesley: Aww...I'm just a kid... Q: Here...[waves hand] now you are older. Wesley: AUGH! [collapses] Data: Intriguing...warp puberty! Q: [blushing] Whoops! Forgot about making those lungs of Wes' older too... [waves hand and cures Wesley] Voice: I'll go! [All turn around and see...] Lt. Goober: I'll go. Troi: No, Goober, don't... Lt. Goober: I *am* special Troi. Think about all of those lives I'll be saving. I'll also be helping Q... Remember...the needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the one. Q: Very good. Take my hand Goober [he does] close your eyes, tap your shoes together, and say "there's no place like home..." Lt. Goober: There's no place like home... [They vanish] --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Epilogue 1: [Battle Bridge] Picard: [sighs and cups hands together] Well, now that that's over, Admiral, we can drop you off at Vulcan in about... Saavik: Thank you but I will be returning to Earth for some study. Picard: Very good. Thank you, Admiral. Saavik: Live long and prosper. [exits through turbolift doors] Data: scratch, scribble, floop...fling. [All look at Data] Data: Foop, scritch, crick...flick. [notices bridge crew looking at him.] Riker: [grinning] What are you doing? Data: Picking my nose and flinging it at the viewscreen... [bridge crew cringes except Worf and Yar] ...another of your human habits I am trying to duplicate. Picard: Data, that is revolting! Data: Ah, but many humans do it. I studied Geordi looking at the full color spectrum of his own. And do you realize how many of you look inside the tissue after you blow your nose into it...and when... Crew: ...Data! Picard: Yar: Starbase 12 calling. They want to know about casualties. Picard: One revived and two casualties. Dr. Beverly Crusher, and Lt. Goober. Yar: Aye sir. Picard: Correction. [All look at Picard] ...nah, nevermind. Geordi. Set heading 218.9 mark 6. Lets get hooked up with the saucer section at starbase 12. Geordi: two, one, eight, point, nine, mark, six. Picard: Engage. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Epilogue 2: [Battle Bridge] Yar: Sir, since we are two point five days from starbase 12, I think I need some rest. Picard: Understood. You deserve some rest, Lt. Yar: Thank you, sir. [enters turbolift] Deck 5. Turbolift computer: Error! Error! Yar: Deck 5... NOW! [Kicks computer with a powerful side kick] [turbolift starts up....] Computer: Deck Five. [turbolift slows] Yar: I can finally get some sleep... [Doors open to a scene of space] Yar: Oh no! The saucer sec..... [as her screams die in the vacuum of space] --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Epilogue 3: {Finale} [Picards quarters] Picard: [yawns] Stupid, that Lt. Goober. Ah well... And Q's exit...heh..."No place like home..." Heh, heh... "No pla-a..." [Picard sleeps] Picard: Did that lady hurt you Jou-Jou? Jou-Jou: [wagging tail] Woof! Wimper! Picard: Mummee! Mummee! Mummee: Ah Jean-Luc...my pet...what troubles you, my son? Picard: My......Ms. Crusher...she...hurt Jou-Jou. Mummee: Don't let her bother you. Picard: But... Mummee: No buts...now go to bed. Picard: Oh...[goes to his bedroom] Jou-Jou...I surrender. We've got to run away...far away! [leaves through window, but trips and passes out...when he comes to..] Picard: ooohhh...[rubbing head] Jou-Jou...I don't think we're in France anymore... Voices: Hee hee hee hee hee! Picard: Who!? What the devil? Voices: Hee hee hee hee hee! Picard: Who? What? Troi: Do not be alarmed. Are you a good witch, or a bad witch? Picard: Huh? What? Troi: I feel confusion... Picard: I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S. Enterprise. Troi: So are you a good or bad witch? Picard: I'm not a witch at all. I'm a captain. Voices: Hee hee hee hee! Picard: Who is that? Troi: Those are the Ferengi of Ferengiland. You killed the bad witch of the southeast, when your ship fell out of the sky and landed on her. Picard: Yar!? Troi: There she is, and there she'll stay. Picard: Huh...oh, yes. But she's so beautiful... Anyway, anyone know the way back to France? Voice: We will help you...for a price! Picard: Here then! My communicator... Pure gold! Voice: Very good Cap-i-tan Pee-card! Of help we can only say this: Follow the Dilithium Road! [explosion...screams....smoke] Crusher: Who killed my sister? [points to Picard] Was it you!? Picard: I guess so... Crusher: I'll inject you with penolithoscopazine you!!! Troi: You have no power here. By the way...aren't you forgetting something? Crusher: Ah, yes! The magical padded breasts. Ahhh...[walks over to Yar's body] Huh!? They're gone! Give them back to me or I'll... Troi: [Pointing to Picard's chest] There they are and there they'll stay. Picard: Ooooo! Kinky! [Suddenly, a bright light fills the area, and when everything clears...] Picard: Everyone's gone! Hmmm...[scratches head]...follow the dilithium road...follow the dilithium road...but do I go left or right?...north or south?... Riker: [grinning] North. Picard: You! What are you doing here? Riker: [grinning] I want to come with you to see the wizard. Picard: Explain! Riker: [:-)] Well... Though its really not a sin, My problem is this grin, That's always on my face. If for once, I can frown, And stop looking like a clown, I could finally feel in place. Oh I'm, a ghastly sight, In darkness or in light. I seem to wear this stupid grin all night. I've tried to stop....with all my might. Though I once had Q's great gifts My grin would just persist, And wouldn't cease, you see... I've had it when I was aged zero, Through the time I played a hero From a comic, by Stan Lee... Picard: Make it so. Riker: [still grinning] Why are you going to see the wizard anyway? Picard: How did you know that I was going to see a wizard, anyway? Riker: [grinning] You're following the dilithium road, right? Picard: Oh...yeah...err... Riker: [grinning] So why are you going to see the wizard? Picard: I have to get back to France. Riker: [grinning] That's the only reason? Picard: Well... I guess there's no denying, I'm just a dandelion, A fate I don't deserve. Although I am the captain And the crew respects my actions I just simply lost my nerve. Oh I, cannot stop bitchin' Over the fact, I'm really chicken. In a crises you'll find me a wreck. And I have this fear, of the holodeck... [smoke fills the area, and when it clears] Geordi: Who is that? Picard: You too!? Geordi: Where are you going? Riker: [grinning] We're going to see the wizard... Geordi: Can I come? Riker: [one side of the grin drops a bit] Hmmmm... Picard: What's the problem? Geordi: I think the problem simply For everyone else to see This banana clip on my head... For without it, I'd be blind I would go out of my mind, And I'd soon enough be dead. Oh I, wish I could see, And stop getting sympathy. Though I act like I'm the only one from Earth Who's been blind, right from birth. Riker: [grinning again] I think there would be no problem with you coming with us. Picard: Make it so. [flash of lightning] Picard: [blinded] ARG! Where? Who? Oh no...not you too! Data: Hello. Picard: What's your problem? Data: I'm an android. Riker: [grinning] A machine. Data: Technically, yes. However, I am much more advanced. I am basically alive. I eat, sleep, think and excrete unwanted materials. If you prick me...do I not...bleak? Geordi: Bleak? Riker: [grinning] Leak? Picard: Oh no...[turns to camara in a kind of Garry Schandling maneuver] If you think Data said "bleak", dial 1-900-22BLEAK. If you think he said "leak", dial 1-900-222-LEAK. If you don't know, dial 1-900-DONT-KNOW. If you don't care, dial 1-900-DONT-CARE. [Turns to Data] So what do you want from the wizard? Data: Well... I would not be such a dip. My head all full of chips. The state that I am in... If you think I have it made, Just because I got laid, I would trade it to be human. Oh I, can tell you why... The planets in quadrent twenty-three, Have not a single mark that you can see, Beacuse I am, just a machine. You may find this very sick The complexity of my d... Picard: Data! Well, come with us. [switch to the point of view of Crusher...] Crusher: So they think they can escape my wrath!? Hmmm...tribbles will put them to sleep...sleep... [smoke, as scene returns to Picard & Co.] Picard: Look! The Dilithium City! Lets run! Riker: [grinning] Yes! Lets! [All run] Data: Ah...look...Tribbles! (Yawn) Riker: [grinning] Cute! But......zzzzzzzzzzz Picard: Look! Its raining iso-linear chips! Maybe that'll help! [flash of lightning] Image of Worf: I am the great and powerful Wizard of Trek! What do *YOU* want? Picard: I surrender! Data: Sir, why is that curtain moving? Image of Worf: Pay no attention to that curtain! I am the.. [Data slides over curtain to reveal...] Wesley: ...great and powerful Wizard of Trek...Uh ohh... Riker: [grinning] I feel like its my responsibility, sir. Picard: But he can't possibly help us. Geordi: Who can? Wesley: My creator...your creator...all of ours. All: Who? Picard: Who? Who? [everything fades] ...huh!? What the devil? [wakes up, realizing that he's in his quarters on his ship] Oh...dumb dream... [falls asleep again] --------------------------------------------------------------------------- TTTTT H H EEEEE EEEEE N N DDDD !! T H H E E NN N D D !! T HHHHH EEE EEE N N N D D !! T H H E E N NN D D T H H EEEEE EEEEE N N DDDD !! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks goes out to those of you who asked for more, and those of you who helped me edit and add ideas to this parody, especially shoopak & pearl, both @topaz.RUTGERS.EDU.